Friday, September 4, 2009

Alive

No, my friends, I have not left you. Fear no more. I have simply been working on another writing project that I hope to reveal more of as I gain confidence in it...
Stay tuned. Much love to you all.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Aspirations

So, today we are driving. The kids and I are cruising along when the Queen song "Killer Queen" comes on the radio. Lilly begs me to leave it on because she "loves that song". Sam, out of no where, spouts from the backseat, "That's what I wanna be when I grow up! A killer queen! I love this song too!" Wonder what Daddy would say?? I loved every minute of it!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

"Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next." ~Franklin P. Jones

Milestones

This morning a beautiful thing happened. I woke up late. Quite late. In fact, it was so late I woke up worried because my kids hadn't eaten their breakfast yet and I was sure they were just wasting away somewhere crying that since their mommy came back from California she just doesn't love them anymore... I came downstairs anticipating the crying and sadness and STARVATION. My youngest came into the kitchen, squeezed me around my hips and just smiled up at me. He wasn't wasting away-thank GOD. Then I told him I was going to make pancakes and sausage for breakfast and he says, "Mommy, we already ate breakfast!" I'm am sure my face was sheer confusion, so he went on to tell me that he and his sister were hungry so they got breakfast all by themselves that way I didn't have to wake up! Do you know how long a mother waits for this day? I love all the milestones - walking, talking, sleeping through the night. This one though, THIS ONE takes the cake! The best start to a day ever.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

"To live remains an art which everyone must learn, and which no one can teach." ~Havelock Ellis

Life goes on...

I have been home nearly one week. It is still crazy to me that I was gone for three weeks. It is even crazier that it all feels like a dream. I know it happened, but being back here, it feels like nothing different occurred. I am back to my laundry basket being full in the family room, waiting for me to fold. I am back to dirty bathrooms. Making beds. Feeding the cat. Scooping poo. Wiping butts. Cooking meals. Grocery shopping. Vacuuming. I am back to having my day pretty much planned for me.

What makes all these mundane tasks worth doing? Kisses, hugs, and I love yous. My husband telling me how much he missed me. I wasn't sure what coming home would feel like. Frankly, I liked doing whatever I wanted. Selfishness is like a disease, and much longer out in LA LA Land, and it would have completely taken me over. While I was there I missed here. I knew though that my time was limited, and as the days flew by I jammed as much as I possibly could into the minutes as they rushed by. I want to be here. I know this is where I belong. Within me is this pull though because really, I could live 100 lifetimes and still not do or accomplish all that I feel I am meant to. The dilemma is how do you choose what to be in your lifetime? I am a wife and mom. Those for me are my most important roles at this point. Will the roles change? Will my focus change? Do I have to give up other things to do these two things really well? Why do I have to give up anything? I know the answer, but it isn't easy. I want what I want with my husband and kids by my side. But what about them? What do they want? Too many questions, not enough answers.

It is amazing and scary how easily I fell back into my life here. How can we all have what we want and all be happy?

Sunday, August 9, 2009

 To Get Me To You
Sung by Lila McCann
From the "Hope Floats" Soundtrack


Well I, I still can remember times
When the night seemed to surround me
I was sure the sun would never shine on me
And I, I thought it my destiny
To walk this world alone
But now you're here
with me
Now you're here with me
And I don't regret the rain
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry
Some of those times along the way
Every road I had to take
Every time my heart would break
It was just something that I had to get through
To get me to you
To get me to you
Well I, I still can recall the days
When I had no love around me
Makes me glad for every day I have with you
And I, I look in your eyes and know
I'm right where I belong
And I belong with you
Always belonged with you
And I don't regret the rain
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry
Some of those times along the way
Every road I had to take
Every time my heart would break
It was just something that I had to get through
To get me to you
To get me to you
And if I could I wouldn't change a thing
Wouldn't change a thing baby
Because your love was waiting there for me
Waiting there for me baby
And I don't regret the rain
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry
Some of those times along the way
Every road I had to take
Every time my heart would break
It was just something that I had to get through
To get me to you
To get me to you

Hold On, I'm Comin'

I have officially been in California for 17 days. The time has flown by. Really. It seems as though I just arrived and this whole experience has been a whirlwind. It has gone by so fast that I forgot how much I missed my husband. That is, until he arrived the other day. I could not believe how happy seeing his face made me. How I knew, in the instant I saw him walk through the doors at the airport, that God created him and I for one another. This man, who I take for granted on a daily basis, came here to support me and everything I had stuffed down deep to make it through the last couple weeks came rushing at me. He admitted worry as we began catching up. He admitted being afraid that I didn't miss him and the kids. That I did not want to come home from this fantasy land. I fessed up that I have enjoyed this "me-time." I have not - for 8 years - done anything even remotely close to this. I told him that I loved being part of the show and that it fulfilled me in a way that mothering can't. I also admitted that this time away confirmed even more to me why I am married to him and why I love him with all of my soul and all of my being. After all, this is the man who loved me through my crazy time. This is the man who tells me how beautiful I am all the time. The man who loves my ass, no matter how big or small it has gotten over the years. This is the man who is truly my best friend. The one who gets me; possibly more than I get myself most days. I realized during my time here I have tried so hard to focus on why I was here and just prayed to stay focused on that. In that process I tried not to think too much about home - and now I can only think of home. I counted down 12 weeks until I arrived here. Now I am counting down 3 days until I am in Toledo, having a camp out in the living room with my best friend and my babies. I will lie there THANKING GOD that He blessed me with way more than I deserve, and I will sleep. Peacefully.

Monday, August 3, 2009

"It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not." ~ Author Unknown

Living the Dream

A few months back a friend from high school asked if I could do any job in the world, what would it be? My answer? Acting. It was as simple as that. I had no idea then that I would now be doing just that. This weekend I lived that dream. The dream I have had since high school, but never felt like I could attain. All day Saturday I was just sick. My stomach was in knots and I couldn't really eat. I had a terrible rehearsal a couple nights before and that set the tone for me. I just knew I would go out and make a fool of myself. I knew that these other women were way more talented than myself. They were funny! I felt that my story was a downer, really. I prayed all day. More than I have prayed for anything in a long time. Friends and family sent texts and encouraged me all day. My husband topped them all though by constantly reminding me that I was here, in this place at this time, for a reason. He told me that I would touch someone who felt alone in their personal struggles after having a baby. He told me how proud he was that I am his wife. One of my cast mates whose husband is an actor told her his advice was to pray right before you go on and that is just what I did. When I walked on the stage I felt good. Like I was meant to be there. Like I DID have a story to share that was real and relevant and would touch lives. It was wonderful and the energy of opening night was indescribable. The more time I spend with these other women (and one very funny man!) who have been brought together to share their own lives with the world - or a least a small part of it - I see that we are creating our own story. We are backstage opening ourselves to one another. We are talking about good times and bad times. We are talking about being mothers, wives, and daughters. This whole experience has exceeded what I could have hoped for. Now, I just have to keep it going after I leave...

Friday, July 31, 2009

"Home is not where you live, but where they understand you." ~Christian Morgenstern

Home Is Where the Heart Is

You know how some things are better left alone? You know how some things are better in your head than in reality? That was the majority of my day today! I picked up my Mom and best friend from their hotel and headed down to Hollywood and Highland where the infamous Hollywood Walk of Fame, Kodak Theater, and Grauman's Chinese Theater are located. Seeing these things was something I had to do. I don't know why. Maybe it comes from reading too many smutty publications and feeling like I could be part of their world that made me want to visit. Or perhaps from watching movies that made me think that even prostitutes can find love with a millionaire real estate investor. I really can't say for sure. But as we arrived in this place which was just mobbed with people I literally wanted to run. I no longer had interest in seeing the star's hands and feet. Nor did I care that somehow, by the grace of GOD, Britney Spears earned a star on the Walk of Fame. We met some friends down on Hollywood Blvd. and began the trek to see all the "cool" stuff. I put my hands where Meryl Streep did, hoping a bit of her talent would rub off. We saw Shrek walking along with Elvis, Dora, and Batman. I was almost run over by some street vendor selling skates that attach to your shoes. It was just nuts! We were approached with the opportunity to see a live television show be taped. Be part of the "live studio audience". So we had lunch at Mel's Diner on the way then hiked the fricking mile to the studio. We got there and were informed the taping took four hours. Four HOURS! We of course could not commit that amount of time in the hellish Hollywood place so we left. Next came a curvy, swirvy trip up the famed Mullholland Drive. Very cool with lots of amazing views of the Hollywood sign and the valley below. Finally, we culminated the day with my very favorite part...SHOPPING! Not just any shopping though. Shopping on Rodeo Drive! You may wonder if the homemaker wife of an engineer can afford anything on Rodeo Drive and the answer is yes. I got a beautiful diamond bracelet from Tiffany's just to celebrate my new found success. Did you believe me? Hope not, because all I got was some perfume from a store called Oilily at which the only thing I could afford was the perfume! We did enter Tiffany's and dream a bit. We saw Bentleys, Jaguars, Rolls Royces. We saw people carrying bags and bags of expensive things I cannot even imagine from stores like BCBG, Stuart Weitzman, St. John, Hermes, Gucci, and Yves Saint Laurent - just to name a few. I actually picked out a pair of underwear that was $185 at La Perla. Really? Does anyone need $185 underwaer? NO. And they weren't even all that cute!

For the first time on this trip I missed Toledo. I missed people that said hello when you meet their face. I missed feeling like I could drive a car and talk at the same time. I missed knowing my way around. I missed feeling like I was home, and even though Toledo isn't my first choice, it's home for 3 reasons. Their absence makes this place far from comfortable and far from HOME.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

Yesterday culminated with a most amazing journey. Jess and I spiffed up, showed a little cleavage, and took the drive down to Hollywood. We had reservations at Katsuya. To the mere person this means nothing. Sounds like a regular old sushi joint, right? Ummm....NO! Katsuya was way more than that. We couldn't take the minivan - very unhip. Jess stole the keys to her husband's Audi and off we went. When you go to Katsuya you don't park your own vehicle. I think it may even be a mortal sin to do so, therefore valet was the best option. Paparazzi swirled outside of the front doors; watching each car that drove up intently. When I exited the passenger side they appeared so very disappointed. I still stood with my head tall and proud and ACTED as thought I was the shit and that they better recognize. We entered the restaurant and went to the bar as we were waiting on some friends. We ordered a couple beers and I surveyed the room. In all my life I have never been in a place like that. Never. I don't know for a fact there that everyone there was rich or important, but they all sure acted like it! Katsuya itself is a beautiful place with tons of cool art and tables surrounding a massive sushi bar in the middle. It is THE place for people watching and the food was, dare I say, orgasmic. Jess's friends were wonderful and lots of fun. We didn't see anyone I recognized, but I still had a great time. At first I really felt like I stuck out. Like people knew I didn't fit in. I am not stick-thin. My clothes are simple and not very expensive. As the evening went on I didn't care. I know I am somebody. I know that I am here to be part of something so cool. WAY COOLER than Heidi and Spencer or Kim Kardashian. I know that I will relish in the fact that I do stick out here and that is a good thing.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" ~ Milton Berle

Group Therapy

Last night were the rehearsals for the show. At first, it was quite strange meeting all these women who had simply been names on a computer screen for the last 3 months. We are all ages, coming from very different backgrounds. The cast filed into the Electric Lodge theater at 7pm and took our seats in the audience. The seats are cushioned black folding chairs arranged stadium style on a handmade platform. The entire room is painted black. The "stage" is not a stage, but an extension of the first row as to create a more intimate feel. and that is exactly what it did. Initially, the thought of being so close to the crowd was intimidating, to say the least. Most of the performers have experience in the entertainment industry - I am NOT one of them. We said our hellos, gave scripts to the director, signed waivers, and got the tour of the facility. Once I had heard that I was one of the only ladies having not done something in "the business" I instantly felt tiny. What the hell was I thinking trying to compete with these people? Then we began. The lights dimmed, the music turned up and I decided to stop worrying and just see what happened.

I love when a group of women get together and are honest. Real. I had no idea that last night was the one thing above all others that I needed to feel normal again. My piece is on postpartum depression. I have, in recent years, begun sharing my experience more and more . Through therapy I came to understand that talking and sharing is healing. In every woman's piece last night I saw myself. Every story was different, but they all somehow connected with me. I heard about feminism, colic, sick kids, challenged kids, placentas, having a past, getting frustrated, being sad, staying home, splitting time, accidents, sex, and LOVE. I laughed, I cried. I was so scared that I would not possibly be good enough. I was scared that mine was too serious. Too crazy. I was scared that I had no training, no stage presence. When I walked down for my turn I was so nervous. What if they just did not like me? As I began my monologue I began to calm and just tell my story. It was my story and it was all true and I did it. I shared myself with a room of sixteen people and it was freeing. They laughed with me, they felt my sadness. It was the best night of therapy, and besides the flight, wardrobe, and food money it was completely free! Thursday night will be the dress rehearsal and then Saturday is the day. I am so blessed to be part of this. Touching others, but especially women who maybe have never heard the real shit of motherhood. Maybe there will be a man who thought his wife is the only woman who feels like this. Maybe a single man or woman will see that motherhood is not easy. Maybe someone who never understood their own mom will. Maybe someone will think before they judge a book by its cover. This show needs to go nationwide. Really. We all need to see that moms are gifts from God and that even though moms make mistakes they still need to feel appreciated and need to be able share their stories.

Monday, July 27, 2009

"Troubles are a lot like people - they grow bigger if you nurse them." ~Author Unknown

Worry Schmurray

Got to L.A. I am staying with my friend Jessica from high school who also happens to be a producer for "Expressing Motherhood." We had dinner shortly after my arrival and then we began preparing for bedtime. During the whole preparing process, she pulled out the hideaway bed and accidentally hit her two year old son right in the head. Blood, screaming, and a visit to the E.R. really got the visit off to an interesting start! Jessica's son is fine, but I must say that it made me feel a whole lot more normal knowing I am not the only mom who's kid needs stitches every now and then!

Sort of sad today. The fun of Saturday has finally worn off and I am back to "normal" life. Missing my husband and the kids. Needing sleep, but refusing to stop moving and rest. If I stop, I think. I worry. I STEW. What you may ask do I have to stew about? I am in one of the most beautiful parts of the country, with great people, with an amazing adventure that is continuing as I write. That is the problem. There is nothing. My problem is I worry, I over-analyze, and in the process I drive myself crazy. I was in counseling for a couple years and I logically know that I can change my thoughts. I have the power to do that. For whatever reason though the last two days my thoughts and worries and guilt have consumed me. Tomorrow will be better. It has to be!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

"Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower." ~Hans Christian Anderson

Love Recalled

I don't even know where to begin... I love California. Did you get that??? I LOVE CALIFORNIA. Before I got here for the fourth time in my life I knew I liked it, but like is such an unsderstatement now. It would feel complete if my man and babies were along, but nonetheless it is so amazing here. Totally different from the Midwest. Different attitudes, different climate - actual and social. I haven't felt this free in so long I forgot what it feels like to be free. I love the sun. I love the palm trees. I love the ocean. I love different cultures. I love that I can be whoever I want to here in California...

I found this store called Nordstrom Rack. I have heard of Nordstrom, but not with the Rack following it. Let me tell you, I really thought I had died and gone to fashion heaven. Great clothes, great shoes all for a fraction of the price of regular retail! Wow. My best deal were my two pairs of designer shoes. Boots by Michael Kors that were $415 and I paid $50. Then my Coach sandals that were originally around $300 that I got for $37!!!! It was wonderful. In the total of 2 1/2 days in San Diego I was there - TWICE.

Then last night topped off everything else that had happened up until that point - even the shoes. My cousins that I was staying with had set up with some friends of theirs to celebrate all the Leo birthdays, which includes mine! There was a Hummer limo, liquor galore, a planned music play list, and a dancing at the hottest clubs in San Diego! It was one of the most fun evenings I have had - possibly in my entire life. There were 16 of us two-thirds gay, the rest straight. The group of people that I spent my evening with were some of the most amazing and interesting I have ever encountered! I love to hear the stories of people; what shaped them. Where they have come from or where they have been. I heard so many of those last night and it warmed my heart. Some people are so strong and have guts like you wouldn't believe. Some people live lives that others may not approve of, but they are true to who they are regardless. Some people are the company I kept last night. Most days I live in a bubble. I do my thing and so often lose sight of the world around me. Last night I was reintroduced to the world and made some fabulous new friends. I was reminded of things I already believed to be true, but hadn't really thought about in a while. Thanks to Aaron (aka The Beautiful Geisha with many Memoirs), Daniel, Jordan, Juan (aka North Star, aka Jean Paul), Steve, Sean, Kris, Collin, Anna, Chad, Amy, Heather, Todd, Jay, Todd, and Calvin for reminding me what life is really about.

Friday, July 24, 2009

"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime." ~Mark Twain

Three's Company

So here I am. Blogging from Southern California! I cannot believe that the time has finally come and that my adventure of a lifetime is here! Leaving my babies yesterday was hard, but I have chosen to keep focused on the fact that at least 5 times a day I long to go somewhere and have "me time" and now I am! So, my flights were fine, but my short 1 hour stretch from Detroit to Chicago was most memorable. I walked to my seat and there in the middle seat was a very large, hairy gentleman. I ALWAYS sit by the window. I explained that I needed to get to the window and he asked if I would mind if he just shifted over as opposed to getting out and holding everyone else up. Being polite I said no, and took the middle seat. Which I despise. But then this man, whose name was Charles and who was from North Carolina, continued speaking and I couldn't help but love him! Then along came Jeanine from Dearborn who took the aisle seat and the chatting commenced. We talked about our respective trips and when Jeanine asked if my trip was for business or pleasure I said, "BOTH!" I went on to explain my role in Expressing Motherhood and what I would be dong in California. Then, out of nowhere, Jeanine says, "Do it now! Tell us what you are going to say." I say, "No, but I will give you an outline..." She then says, "C'mon, we want to hear it. It will be good practice!" So with many reservations I started reciting my piece. All along the taxiing process and the take off there I was spouting off my story on postpartum depression to two complete strangers. When I finished they applauded; quietly of course as not to disturb the other passengers. I remembered my whole monologue and it WAS great practice. They laughed in all the right parts and told me how many women they thought would relate to what I went through. I felt like I was in a scene out of some random Steve Martin movie. It was, perhaps, the most amazing way to begin my getaway.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

"Be happy. Be a family. That's it." ~Rose Hunt

Fighting Cancer

Have you ever seen a group of people assemble and work efficiently toward a common goal? I saw one of the best examples EVER this past weekend at "The Rose Run" in my hometown of Petersburg, Michigan. Rose Hunt was one of the most calm, sweet women I can recall meeting in my life. She was one of those people you leave after spending time with them knowing you are better for the experience. It had been more than 15 years since I had seen Rose when I attended her funeral this past January. Rose had lost her hard-fought battle with breast cancer. She was a celebrated woman, and it was a beautiful funeral of memories and love. Soon following her funeral her family began organizing the run and it just exploded from there. There were 180 preregistered and over 100 came the day of the race to join in! At the starting line we all held red balloons in honor of Rose and released them at the gun shot. It was an emotional sight and a good reminder of why we all were there. The volunteers were so happy and helpful. It was truly a celebration of life and a reminder that there are still so many women (and a few men) dealing with this cancer. Watching over 300 people - including volunteers - come together was special, amazing, INSPIRING.

Thanks Jess for bringing this idea to life and encouraging all of us to be a part!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend, but don't break
Somehow I'll get through
Cause I have You

And if I had to crawl well You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all is You
See me through

O Lord, where are you?
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears?
When all have left me
And hope has disappeared
You'll find me here

And when I have to crawl, will You crawl too?
I stumble and I fall,
Carry me through
The wonder of it all is You
See me through

When everything I was is lost
I have forgot, but you have not
When I am lost You have not lost me
When everything I was is lost
I have forgot, but You have not
When I am lost You have not lost me
You have not lost me...

And if I had to crawl well you'd crawl too.
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all is You
See me through.

~ Superchick "Crawl (Carry me through)"

fear not my child

I am just one week away from the adventure of a lifetime. I am really feeling excited about the show and I am spending time getting everything together. The cupboards are full, as is the refrigerator. Certainly no one will go hungry in my absence. I have chosen my wardrobe and the appropriate accessories. My hair is colored and my eyebrows are waxed. Nearly everything is ready...
Everything but me. As days pass, and my departure approaches, the more anxious I become. I feel like no one can really understand how I am feeling. Few mothers leave their children for 3 weeks. The only ones I can think of are mothers in the armed services who leave their children to defend our freedom. My role in a show hardly compares. I feel selfish and guilty. I feel like I am abandoning my kids for my own personal wants. These feelings beg the question: WHY? Why as mothers are we expected to forget ourselves? Why can we not feel personal fulfillment separate from making wholesome meals for our families and perfectly folding load upon load of laundry? This internal strife I am experiencing is hard. I am not sleeping well and I am frustrated. Not good things to occur before you leave your loved ones! I want them to miss me not thank God the minute I get on that plane!
My plan is to pray. This is my only medication currently for these anxious feelings. I pray when I get feelings of wanting to control. I pray when the frustrations well up inside and I feel I might explode. I pray when I can't sleep. I pray that there will be a purpose to my leaving for this length of time - that I may touch another life with my story. I pray that I am not making a mistake. And you know, when I listen really hard, and all is quiet; I hear it. That voice that has come to me in all my times of trouble and it calms me. His voice. He tells me it will be okay and that fear is real, but unnecessary. He will see me through.

Friday, July 10, 2009

"Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that." ~Michael Leunig

bear with me for a moment

Revolutionary Road. Saw the previews. Thought I knew what it was about. I had no idea. I knew I would relate to it, but to the degree - I was completely unaware. For those of you that saw it I will leave the parts I relate to up to your imaginations. Be nice now...

Marriage is hard. When one looks back on the way most relationships begin it is this fairy tale thing. Games of "20 Questions" followed by heated acts of sex make it all so dreamy and fun. For many of us at some point those games cease to exist. Why? Why do we stop? Why do we let life cloud what made us so deeply want and eventually love this other person in the first place? I never thought marriage would always be perfect, but I never knew how much work two people have to put into it! My parents fought and drove each other crazy; they still do. At the end of the day though it is their mutual respect for one another and genuine friendship that kept and keeps them together. I never want to stay married out of obligation. I never want to hate the person I am married to. A few years ago my marriage was dangerously close to ending. So close that it makes me sick now to even conceive of it. I forgot what was really important - and so did he. That is what I saw tonight. A reminder of what I don't want to become and thoughts of what I need to do to make sure that doesn't happen.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

There's more to than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line.
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.
~Indigo Girls, "Closer to Fine"

It's about friggin' time

I am nearly 33. One would think that by this age a woman - OK, ME - would know who she was. What she wanted. What she knows to be true. I really feel that the older I get and the more I know, the less I know ME sometimes! There are times I know who I am. There are times I know what I believe. Most other times I have no idea. Or, I kind of know. How do you go through 33 years with few to no absolutes?? Absolutes scare me. Being black and white on everything does not come naturally to me. Mostly I see both sides of things which leaves me dangerously in the middle. Able to be swayed. There are things I believe to be true. Such as, we shouldn't judge others. People will love who they will. God is here. There are things I believe to be wrong. War, hate, "tolerance". I hate that word. Oh, wait, hate is wrong! See what I mean! The word "tolerance" to me is a horrible word. I prefer "acceptance". Why should we just tolerate someone or something? Why can't we just accept that people are different and that's OK? You don't have to like it, but you have to accept it. My beliefs...maybe not yours.

I was sharing some thoughts yesterday with a friend of mine on a situation she is currently in. I told her we are both similar in that we morph. When we are with certain people we act a certain way. We wear a mask of sorts and no one, or very few people really know who we are at all. My monologue for "Expressing Motherhood" is on postpartum depression. It is interesting how many people have commented when I share my topic with them, "I didn't know you were depressed. You hid it very well." To me that is not good. I don't believe that wearing masks helps anyone, especially me. Over the years of being a certain way for people it's easy to lose oneself - OK, MYSELF - and have no one who really gets me! I really think this is why I most times don't feel I know myself very well or always know what I believe. My goal for the 33rd year of life that I have coming up is to find me. Find out what I believe and why I believe it.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." ~Robert Anderson
"Bring the past only if you are going to build from it." ~Domenico Cieri Estrada

My man. How blessed I am. And he's cute too...

Slackin'




It has been longer than I care to admit since my last post. I could make excuses as to why I have left you hanging out there to dry - all nine followers of mine. For the last seven days I have been consumed first by my 15 year high school reunion. Oh my. That just sounds crazy. Worse though is how crazy I was preparing for the event. I needed to look GOOD. That is tougher than I thought considering I have gained 30 pounds since 1994 and I believe it's all in my ass... It wasn't like there was anyone in particular to look good for, but it is just the principle of the thing. It ended up being a blast and except for a few people - annoying - that were actually skinnier, we all had packed on a few pounds. Looking forward to the 20th. Following the reunion I have been consumed by feelings of frustration brought on by my dear husband. We have been together 15 years but believe it or not we still get on each other's nerves. I find that when we haven't had much time together the worse we are to one another. It sounds nuts, I know! There are all kinds of stresses right now contributing to the tension between us, but how can I look beyond that and just love him? I want to ignore those little stressful moments that mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. I want him to know that I only want him. I have seen the green grass on the other side and although it may be nice for a bit it still gets smashed down and you feel the ground... I will stay on the grass I chose...

15 years since graduation and 15 years since I met the man I married. So much has changed. I have grown and morphed into a woman, a wife, a MOTHER. I have experienced loss, success, love, hate, pain, guilt, pleasure. God-willing I am only half way (maybe less!) through this life and I cannot even imagine what the next 32 years will hold for me. Looking back as I have over the last week has made me grateful for what I have and lucky for the things I have gone through. Hard? Yes. But totally worth it.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Down to four

I was checking the calendar today and realized I am in the home stretch in the countdown to LA! The weeks have flown by and the more I think of the things left to do before I leave, the more the butterflies in my belly swirl around. There is the memorizing of my piece which is about 50% done. Then there is the very important wardrobe. Sadly, I have little to no direction with this and I am certainly not a fashionista. Anyone looking for a reason to go to California? Desperately seeking makeup and wardrobe artists! Finally, I need to nail down what is happening with my kids for the nearly 3 weeks I am gone. That is about 75% covered. I have never been away this long. It has been 10 years since I have been away from my husband for that length of time. Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? Or will he realize the peace that comes from not having a crazy lady share his bed? The separation will be tough, but I am looking at it as a pilgrimage of sorts. I am at a point in my life where things are changing. I am beginning to see what is really important in this thing called LIFE and to have some time just for me to reflect on it is exactly what the head doctor ordered. Thanks for all the support!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

"Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said." ~Author Unknown

I need some guidelines...

Last night a friend was in from out of town and brought with her the movie "Grease" for us all to watch - kids included. I remember watching the film as a child of 8 or 9 and loving it! It has great music, funny scenes, attractive people, etc. What more could you want from a movie? As a MOM though, it took on a whole new look...

While we were singing along to the song "Greased Lightening", and the words "she's a real pussy wagon" were sung, I stopped. Stopped dead in my tracks and looked around. 7 kids and 2 adults (well, 1 adult since I stopped to contemplate) were singing along, dancing like there was no tomorrow, and loving every minute of it. Was I the only one who heard the p-word? How could I have heard that song hundreds of times, sang along fully knowing the words, and not questioned if it was appropriate for my daughter and son to hear? Did my parents think it was no big deal for me to hear it as a kid? I know that isn't the case because I clearly remember listening to "Like a Virgin" with my mother one day in the car and singing along. I loved the song not because of the lyrics, but because it was Madonna. In the mid-eighties she was the closest to God I knew of! My mom looked over at me and said, "Do you know what that means?" I said "No", and continued singing my little heart out. As I grew I didn't go out and have lots of random sex with many men due to hearing the word "virgin". I also know that "Do Me" by Bel Biv Devoe didn't cause me to go out and DO anyone.

Being a parent and trying to discern what is appropriate is tough. Before kids I was very open with my talk and what I watched. I could discuss any subject just about anywhere, anytime. Even after my kids were born I slide a curse word in here and there - they didn't know any better, right? I'd would discuss most things in their presence because in my mind kids don't listen anyway, right? Then the repeating started and I began to see that kids do listen; especially when you don't want them to! I recall Lilly being 4 or 5 and while Sam would nap I would catch "Days of Our Lives". She would sit dutifully by my side and watch Sami, Austin, John, and Marlena live it up in fictitious Salem. She named her Barbie dolls after these characters and one Easter after receiving 2 new Barbies and 1 Ken doll she created a scene in which she narrated, "this girl was married to the guy but he didn't like her anymore and so he is gonna go and live with the other girl..." Needless to say that was the end of soap operas in our home.

I know we have a responsibility to protect our children and we need to monitor what they see and hear. However, where is that fine line between keeping them safe and driving them to be sneaky to see and do what they want to? I try to be open and honest with my kids - answering any questions they have on pretty much any subject. I just know that each day the world we live in pushes the envelope when it comes to taking away childhood bit by bit. It's my responsibility to know what my kids are up to as much as possible and do my duty as a parent to make sure they are safe. I am taking each day at a time, but God help me when my daughter asks me the next time we listen to "Greased Lightening", "Mommy? What is a pussy wagon?"

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Rajneesh

Ever?

The older my kids get the more I wonder when I won't worry so much! It started the second they were born. Maybe it's just me, but mothering is filled with worry. In the beginning, it's did they poop? What color was it? What's the consistency? How much are they eating? Do the whites of their eyes look yellow to you? Should I take them out of the house yet? Did you wash your hands before you touched them? And on and on and on... The older my kids get the harder it is! For me it was having less control over them and their surroundings. Letting them out from under my "wing" - I guess I am the Mother Hen! I just thought it would be easier.

These thoughts were prompted while my daughter spent yesterday at a nearby amusement park with a friend and her parents. Relinquishing control of her - even for a day - was so hard. What was she eating? Was she washing her hands before eating? Did she feel OK after all those stomach-twisting rides? I picked up the phone at least 3 times to call and then thought the better of it. If she needed me she would call. So she did. She was fine and having fun. Obviously, I have issues with control and anxiety. Nothing new to me, but it all took on a different meaning when children entered the picture. I look towards the future and see more sleepovers, dates, dances, summer camp - I can barely breathe! I once asked my mother when you stop worrying and start sleeping again through the night. Her simple response? "I still worry about you!" I guess it's just part of the job title "MOM" and truth be told, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

What the heck is going on??

I am finally into "Breaking Dawn" - the final installment of the Twilight Saga. I am lost, confused, but continually intrigued... Update soon!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Got one?

As I was sitting enjoying some multibran flax flakes for breakfast (yum!), I saw on the box a definition for the word hero. They say the dictionary definition of the word hero is: "a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal." I sat back comtemplating the word hero in my life. Heroes to our grandparents were WWII soldiers and world leaders who stood up against the axis of evil. To our parents there were astronauts who walked on the moon, and young dynamic politicians who gave hope of a brighter tommorrow. To my age group, the start of the Gen Xers, we had Michael Jordan and Madonna. And that is where it began going downhill... To look at who kids call heroes today is frankly, sad. The media promotes people to the level of hero that are nothing more than lost souls who can't find direction and blindly lead children, and many adults, down the same path. I look towards my children's futures and wonder who will be left to look up to. The older I get the more I focus on heroes from my personal surroundings - NOT the media. I see my father. My mother. My grandmother. People who made a direct deposit into my life throughout a span of years and shaped me into the person I am today. There is no harm in respecting a media personality, celebrity, or politician for a stand they take, but I can't call them heroes. Take a look at your life and the people who have come and gone... Who are the heroes in your life?

Thursday, June 11, 2009

"Surround yourself with people who encourage you; people who build you up. Sometimes the people who will discourage you the most are the people closest to you...some people you have to love from a distance." ~Joel Osteen

Letting go

I have recently had to deal with something that is relatively new territory to me - letting go of a person in my life who was a friend for about 5 years. You may ask, "why after so long would you cut a friend out of your life?" The answer isn't easy, but has to be said. This person, this friend, continually over the 5 years of our friendship made me feel less than. Less than her, less than most everything. She is a very opinionated woman, a strong woman I guess some would say. I always felt as though my feelings and thoughts had to be dampened or censored. The older I get the more I realize that relationships should never make you feel less than anything or anyone. I have broken free, but not without question. As a woman who has really been growing in faith the last couple years I struggled with the idea of it being Christian to leave anyone behind. I wondered if God put this woman in my life to touch her in some way that was beyond my understanding at this time. No matter what, I will always have love for her in my heart and appreciate everything she was to me over the years; good and bad. I harbor no ill will, but I couldn't shake the feeling that it was time to move on...

After much thought, consideration, and worry I came to understand that I needed to shift my focus and love to those around me who love me as I am and encourage me no matter what. These are "balcony people". There is a great book that touched me deeply on this subject. It is appropriately titled "Balcony People" by Joyce Landorf Heatherly. Anyone who wants to be a better encourager to those around them should pick it up. I know that I am not perfect. I know that I am not an easy person to always understand. I do know, though, that there are people who love me and even though they may not always understand me they love me through it. Thank you to those people in my life (you know who you are!) and I only hope I am the same to you.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

On to the next!

"New Moon" is done! Now on to "Eclipse"! I think I may be a bit obsessed...
People take different roads seeking fufillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost. ~H. Jackson Browne

Cali bound!

7 weeks from today I will be boarding a plane to head for the wild west. You see, this will not be a family trip, nor a trip away with my husband. No, this time away is all about ME. Something happens when you become a mother in particular that stops that "me time" thing. I mean, it really takes planning and forethought! You don't just exit stage left and go do whatever you want for a few hours. My friends, I am pleased to tell you - with just a teeny bit of sadness - that my "me time" will last nearly 3 weeks. My belly flips at the thought. I have never, ever left my kids for more than a week! The flips come though more so because I am embarking on the adventure of a lifetime. Well, at least an adventure to spring me from this jail called Toledo that I rarely escape. I will be part of a stage show in Venice, California called "Expressing Motherhood"! Upon the recommendation of my friend Jess, the very same one who suggested this little blogging idea, I wrote an essay on my struggle with postpartum depression. I sent it to LA thinking that it was just good to have written down my thoughts and feelings. I certainly did not think I would get chosen, BUT I DID! I will be doing 4 shows during the first two weekends in August. Myself and 14 others will bare their souls to 100 spectators nightly and tell what mothering really is all about. Being part of this show is such an honor for me. It is a dream come true. I am the girl who rarely wins anything. I am the girl who didn't make cheer leading. I am the girl who doesn't really stand out. That is why this means so much that someone read my piece and saw my struggle for what it was - it was real. Now I see this experience as a way to help someone who may be wrestling with the same thing. I see it as a way to let a friend know how to help a another who is struggling. You better believe that my countdown to Cali will continue on here and while I am there I will document in print all the amazing things that happen. This is a dream come true for me and it will be an experience of a lifetime - I just know it.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

saving grace

Coffee may quite possibly be the nectar of the gods...

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

"Anyone who says they have one life to live must not know how to read a book." ~Author Unknown

Edward and Bella

I wanted my post today to be important. Meaningful. Impactful. Then I realized all I can think about is the novel "Twilight" and I figured I better just go with that...

I had avoided reading the series of vampire books simply due to the fanatics who have been obsessed with it for the past year or so. It's like a movie that people rave about and then you finally see it after all the hype and it is so-so. Totally NOT the case with this. I started the first book Friday and by Sunday night it was done. I could not stop. Stephanie Meyer, the author, is so detailed and descriptive that you can't help but picture life in Forks, Washington and all the people who reside there. Once Bella and Edward meet it is hard to stop and once the sexual tension starts building it becomes impossible. To be completely frank, this book completely turned me on. Really. My husband is currently reaping the benefits of his middle-aged wife getting hot under the collar from reading a teenage vampire love story!

I know many young girls (ages 9-12) that are reading this series and I personally don't think it is really appropriate for that age group. A bit scary, lots of death talk, but more than that I just don't think they will understand it all. The relationship - sexual and emotional. Edward's mood swings. Bella's dark, twisty obsession with becoming a vampire just to be with a god-type guy. Isn't this what we as woman in this day and age are trying to avoid our daughters becoming? My daughter, Lilly, asked me if she could read "Twilight" and I told her she had to be 13, possibly 14. Maybe I should let her read it when she won't understand much, but that feels wrong. All I know is that I can't stop. I started "New Moon" last night and I am counting the down the minutes until I meet back up with my fave new couple, Edward and Bella.

Monday, June 1, 2009

and so it begins...

My virgin post. Can you believe it? I never thought that I would write anything let alone write something for others to view. As I sit here I wonder how to express my thoughts on why I want to do this. First, I think it will be the cheapest therapy - it's free! And with a husband who is recently laid off that is a pretty significant thing. Second, all day, everyday I am contemplating life. What does it all mean? I really want to sit down and share my thoughts with others and I hope to create healthy discussion and a deeper understanding. I certainly don't expect everyone who reads my thoughts to agree, but I do hope I can reach out and help someone in some way. Life these days is so hectic, crazy, COMPLICATED! Hence the blog name and I also happen to be all three of those things rolled into one person. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a woman, a friend, a christian, a teacher, a student - all of those will no doubt be part of this. I want to be sure that through my posts I am respectful of those relationships and don't just use this to voice my frustrations about them. Thank you for reading this and I hope over the coming days and months I hit a chord with you and get you to THINK. It is my belief that we rarely do enough of it in this life.