Friday, August 21, 2009

Aspirations

So, today we are driving. The kids and I are cruising along when the Queen song "Killer Queen" comes on the radio. Lilly begs me to leave it on because she "loves that song". Sam, out of no where, spouts from the backseat, "That's what I wanna be when I grow up! A killer queen! I love this song too!" Wonder what Daddy would say?? I loved every minute of it!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

"Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next." ~Franklin P. Jones

Milestones

This morning a beautiful thing happened. I woke up late. Quite late. In fact, it was so late I woke up worried because my kids hadn't eaten their breakfast yet and I was sure they were just wasting away somewhere crying that since their mommy came back from California she just doesn't love them anymore... I came downstairs anticipating the crying and sadness and STARVATION. My youngest came into the kitchen, squeezed me around my hips and just smiled up at me. He wasn't wasting away-thank GOD. Then I told him I was going to make pancakes and sausage for breakfast and he says, "Mommy, we already ate breakfast!" I'm am sure my face was sheer confusion, so he went on to tell me that he and his sister were hungry so they got breakfast all by themselves that way I didn't have to wake up! Do you know how long a mother waits for this day? I love all the milestones - walking, talking, sleeping through the night. This one though, THIS ONE takes the cake! The best start to a day ever.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

"To live remains an art which everyone must learn, and which no one can teach." ~Havelock Ellis

Life goes on...

I have been home nearly one week. It is still crazy to me that I was gone for three weeks. It is even crazier that it all feels like a dream. I know it happened, but being back here, it feels like nothing different occurred. I am back to my laundry basket being full in the family room, waiting for me to fold. I am back to dirty bathrooms. Making beds. Feeding the cat. Scooping poo. Wiping butts. Cooking meals. Grocery shopping. Vacuuming. I am back to having my day pretty much planned for me.

What makes all these mundane tasks worth doing? Kisses, hugs, and I love yous. My husband telling me how much he missed me. I wasn't sure what coming home would feel like. Frankly, I liked doing whatever I wanted. Selfishness is like a disease, and much longer out in LA LA Land, and it would have completely taken me over. While I was there I missed here. I knew though that my time was limited, and as the days flew by I jammed as much as I possibly could into the minutes as they rushed by. I want to be here. I know this is where I belong. Within me is this pull though because really, I could live 100 lifetimes and still not do or accomplish all that I feel I am meant to. The dilemma is how do you choose what to be in your lifetime? I am a wife and mom. Those for me are my most important roles at this point. Will the roles change? Will my focus change? Do I have to give up other things to do these two things really well? Why do I have to give up anything? I know the answer, but it isn't easy. I want what I want with my husband and kids by my side. But what about them? What do they want? Too many questions, not enough answers.

It is amazing and scary how easily I fell back into my life here. How can we all have what we want and all be happy?

Sunday, August 9, 2009

 To Get Me To You
Sung by Lila McCann
From the "Hope Floats" Soundtrack


Well I, I still can remember times
When the night seemed to surround me
I was sure the sun would never shine on me
And I, I thought it my destiny
To walk this world alone
But now you're here
with me
Now you're here with me
And I don't regret the rain
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry
Some of those times along the way
Every road I had to take
Every time my heart would break
It was just something that I had to get through
To get me to you
To get me to you
Well I, I still can recall the days
When I had no love around me
Makes me glad for every day I have with you
And I, I look in your eyes and know
I'm right where I belong
And I belong with you
Always belonged with you
And I don't regret the rain
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry
Some of those times along the way
Every road I had to take
Every time my heart would break
It was just something that I had to get through
To get me to you
To get me to you
And if I could I wouldn't change a thing
Wouldn't change a thing baby
Because your love was waiting there for me
Waiting there for me baby
And I don't regret the rain
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry
Some of those times along the way
Every road I had to take
Every time my heart would break
It was just something that I had to get through
To get me to you
To get me to you

Hold On, I'm Comin'

I have officially been in California for 17 days. The time has flown by. Really. It seems as though I just arrived and this whole experience has been a whirlwind. It has gone by so fast that I forgot how much I missed my husband. That is, until he arrived the other day. I could not believe how happy seeing his face made me. How I knew, in the instant I saw him walk through the doors at the airport, that God created him and I for one another. This man, who I take for granted on a daily basis, came here to support me and everything I had stuffed down deep to make it through the last couple weeks came rushing at me. He admitted worry as we began catching up. He admitted being afraid that I didn't miss him and the kids. That I did not want to come home from this fantasy land. I fessed up that I have enjoyed this "me-time." I have not - for 8 years - done anything even remotely close to this. I told him that I loved being part of the show and that it fulfilled me in a way that mothering can't. I also admitted that this time away confirmed even more to me why I am married to him and why I love him with all of my soul and all of my being. After all, this is the man who loved me through my crazy time. This is the man who tells me how beautiful I am all the time. The man who loves my ass, no matter how big or small it has gotten over the years. This is the man who is truly my best friend. The one who gets me; possibly more than I get myself most days. I realized during my time here I have tried so hard to focus on why I was here and just prayed to stay focused on that. In that process I tried not to think too much about home - and now I can only think of home. I counted down 12 weeks until I arrived here. Now I am counting down 3 days until I am in Toledo, having a camp out in the living room with my best friend and my babies. I will lie there THANKING GOD that He blessed me with way more than I deserve, and I will sleep. Peacefully.

Monday, August 3, 2009

"It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not." ~ Author Unknown

Living the Dream

A few months back a friend from high school asked if I could do any job in the world, what would it be? My answer? Acting. It was as simple as that. I had no idea then that I would now be doing just that. This weekend I lived that dream. The dream I have had since high school, but never felt like I could attain. All day Saturday I was just sick. My stomach was in knots and I couldn't really eat. I had a terrible rehearsal a couple nights before and that set the tone for me. I just knew I would go out and make a fool of myself. I knew that these other women were way more talented than myself. They were funny! I felt that my story was a downer, really. I prayed all day. More than I have prayed for anything in a long time. Friends and family sent texts and encouraged me all day. My husband topped them all though by constantly reminding me that I was here, in this place at this time, for a reason. He told me that I would touch someone who felt alone in their personal struggles after having a baby. He told me how proud he was that I am his wife. One of my cast mates whose husband is an actor told her his advice was to pray right before you go on and that is just what I did. When I walked on the stage I felt good. Like I was meant to be there. Like I DID have a story to share that was real and relevant and would touch lives. It was wonderful and the energy of opening night was indescribable. The more time I spend with these other women (and one very funny man!) who have been brought together to share their own lives with the world - or a least a small part of it - I see that we are creating our own story. We are backstage opening ourselves to one another. We are talking about good times and bad times. We are talking about being mothers, wives, and daughters. This whole experience has exceeded what I could have hoped for. Now, I just have to keep it going after I leave...