Down to four

I was checking the calendar today and realized I am in the home stretch in the countdown to LA! The weeks have flown by and the more I think of the things left to do before I leave, the more the butterflies in my belly swirl around. There is the memorizing of my piece which is about 50% done. Then there is the very important wardrobe. Sadly, I have little to no direction with this and I am certainly not a fashionista. Anyone looking for a reason to go to California? Desperately seeking makeup and wardrobe artists! Finally, I need to nail down what is happening with my kids for the nearly 3 weeks I am gone. That is about 75% covered. I have never been away this long. It has been 10 years since I have been away from my husband for that length of time. Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? Or will he realize the peace that comes from not having a crazy lady share his bed? The separation will be tough, but I am looking at it as a pilgrimage of sorts. I am at a point in my life where things are changing. I am beginning to see what is really important in this thing called LIFE and to have some time just for me to reflect on it is exactly what the head doctor ordered. Thanks for all the support!

"Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said." ~Author Unknown

I need some guidelines...

Last night a friend was in from out of town and brought with her the movie "Grease" for us all to watch - kids included. I remember watching the film as a child of 8 or 9 and loving it! It has great music, funny scenes, attractive people, etc. What more could you want from a movie? As a MOM though, it took on a whole new look...

While we were singing along to the song "Greased Lightening", and the words "she's a real pussy wagon" were sung, I stopped. Stopped dead in my tracks and looked around. 7 kids and 2 adults (well, 1 adult since I stopped to contemplate) were singing along, dancing like there was no tomorrow, and loving every minute of it. Was I the only one who heard the p-word? How could I have heard that song hundreds of times, sang along fully knowing the words, and not questioned if it was appropriate for my daughter and son to hear? Did my parents think it was no big deal for me to hear it as a kid? I know that isn't the case because I clearly remember listening to "Like a Virgin" with my mother one day in the car and singing along. I loved the song not because of the lyrics, but because it was Madonna. In the mid-eighties she was the closest to God I knew of! My mom looked over at me and said, "Do you know what that means?" I said "No", and continued singing my little heart out. As I grew I didn't go out and have lots of random sex with many men due to hearing the word "virgin". I also know that "Do Me" by Bel Biv Devoe didn't cause me to go out and DO anyone.

Being a parent and trying to discern what is appropriate is tough. Before kids I was very open with my talk and what I watched. I could discuss any subject just about anywhere, anytime. Even after my kids were born I slide a curse word in here and there - they didn't know any better, right? I'd would discuss most things in their presence because in my mind kids don't listen anyway, right? Then the repeating started and I began to see that kids do listen; especially when you don't want them to! I recall Lilly being 4 or 5 and while Sam would nap I would catch "Days of Our Lives". She would sit dutifully by my side and watch Sami, Austin, John, and Marlena live it up in fictitious Salem. She named her Barbie dolls after these characters and one Easter after receiving 2 new Barbies and 1 Ken doll she created a scene in which she narrated, "this girl was married to the guy but he didn't like her anymore and so he is gonna go and live with the other girl..." Needless to say that was the end of soap operas in our home.

I know we have a responsibility to protect our children and we need to monitor what they see and hear. However, where is that fine line between keeping them safe and driving them to be sneaky to see and do what they want to? I try to be open and honest with my kids - answering any questions they have on pretty much any subject. I just know that each day the world we live in pushes the envelope when it comes to taking away childhood bit by bit. It's my responsibility to know what my kids are up to as much as possible and do my duty as a parent to make sure they are safe. I am taking each day at a time, but God help me when my daughter asks me the next time we listen to "Greased Lightening", "Mommy? What is a pussy wagon?"

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Rajneesh

Ever?

The older my kids get the more I wonder when I won't worry so much! It started the second they were born. Maybe it's just me, but mothering is filled with worry. In the beginning, it's did they poop? What color was it? What's the consistency? How much are they eating? Do the whites of their eyes look yellow to you? Should I take them out of the house yet? Did you wash your hands before you touched them? And on and on and on... The older my kids get the harder it is! For me it was having less control over them and their surroundings. Letting them out from under my "wing" - I guess I am the Mother Hen! I just thought it would be easier.

These thoughts were prompted while my daughter spent yesterday at a nearby amusement park with a friend and her parents. Relinquishing control of her - even for a day - was so hard. What was she eating? Was she washing her hands before eating? Did she feel OK after all those stomach-twisting rides? I picked up the phone at least 3 times to call and then thought the better of it. If she needed me she would call. So she did. She was fine and having fun. Obviously, I have issues with control and anxiety. Nothing new to me, but it all took on a different meaning when children entered the picture. I look towards the future and see more sleepovers, dates, dances, summer camp - I can barely breathe! I once asked my mother when you stop worrying and start sleeping again through the night. Her simple response? "I still worry about you!" I guess it's just part of the job title "MOM" and truth be told, I wouldn't have it any other way.

What the heck is going on??

I am finally into "Breaking Dawn" - the final installment of the Twilight Saga. I am lost, confused, but continually intrigued... Update soon!

Got one?

As I was sitting enjoying some multibran flax flakes for breakfast (yum!), I saw on the box a definition for the word hero. They say the dictionary definition of the word hero is: "a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal." I sat back comtemplating the word hero in my life. Heroes to our grandparents were WWII soldiers and world leaders who stood up against the axis of evil. To our parents there were astronauts who walked on the moon, and young dynamic politicians who gave hope of a brighter tommorrow. To my age group, the start of the Gen Xers, we had Michael Jordan and Madonna. And that is where it began going downhill... To look at who kids call heroes today is frankly, sad. The media promotes people to the level of hero that are nothing more than lost souls who can't find direction and blindly lead children, and many adults, down the same path. I look towards my children's futures and wonder who will be left to look up to. The older I get the more I focus on heroes from my personal surroundings - NOT the media. I see my father. My mother. My grandmother. People who made a direct deposit into my life throughout a span of years and shaped me into the person I am today. There is no harm in respecting a media personality, celebrity, or politician for a stand they take, but I can't call them heroes. Take a look at your life and the people who have come and gone... Who are the heroes in your life?

"Surround yourself with people who encourage you; people who build you up. Sometimes the people who will discourage you the most are the people closest to you...some people you have to love from a distance." ~Joel Osteen

Letting go

I have recently had to deal with something that is relatively new territory to me - letting go of a person in my life who was a friend for about 5 years. You may ask, "why after so long would you cut a friend out of your life?" The answer isn't easy, but has to be said. This person, this friend, continually over the 5 years of our friendship made me feel less than. Less than her, less than most everything. She is a very opinionated woman, a strong woman I guess some would say. I always felt as though my feelings and thoughts had to be dampened or censored. The older I get the more I realize that relationships should never make you feel less than anything or anyone. I have broken free, but not without question. As a woman who has really been growing in faith the last couple years I struggled with the idea of it being Christian to leave anyone behind. I wondered if God put this woman in my life to touch her in some way that was beyond my understanding at this time. No matter what, I will always have love for her in my heart and appreciate everything she was to me over the years; good and bad. I harbor no ill will, but I couldn't shake the feeling that it was time to move on...

After much thought, consideration, and worry I came to understand that I needed to shift my focus and love to those around me who love me as I am and encourage me no matter what. These are "balcony people". There is a great book that touched me deeply on this subject. It is appropriately titled "Balcony People" by Joyce Landorf Heatherly. Anyone who wants to be a better encourager to those around them should pick it up. I know that I am not perfect. I know that I am not an easy person to always understand. I do know, though, that there are people who love me and even though they may not always understand me they love me through it. Thank you to those people in my life (you know who you are!) and I only hope I am the same to you.

On to the next!

"New Moon" is done! Now on to "Eclipse"! I think I may be a bit obsessed...

People take different roads seeking fufillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost. ~H. Jackson Browne

Cali bound!

7 weeks from today I will be boarding a plane to head for the wild west. You see, this will not be a family trip, nor a trip away with my husband. No, this time away is all about ME. Something happens when you become a mother in particular that stops that "me time" thing. I mean, it really takes planning and forethought! You don't just exit stage left and go do whatever you want for a few hours. My friends, I am pleased to tell you - with just a teeny bit of sadness - that my "me time" will last nearly 3 weeks. My belly flips at the thought. I have never, ever left my kids for more than a week! The flips come though more so because I am embarking on the adventure of a lifetime. Well, at least an adventure to spring me from this jail called Toledo that I rarely escape. I will be part of a stage show in Venice, California called "Expressing Motherhood"! Upon the recommendation of my friend Jess, the very same one who suggested this little blogging idea, I wrote an essay on my struggle with postpartum depression. I sent it to LA thinking that it was just good to have written down my thoughts and feelings. I certainly did not think I would get chosen, BUT I DID! I will be doing 4 shows during the first two weekends in August. Myself and 14 others will bare their souls to 100 spectators nightly and tell what mothering really is all about. Being part of this show is such an honor for me. It is a dream come true. I am the girl who rarely wins anything. I am the girl who didn't make cheer leading. I am the girl who doesn't really stand out. That is why this means so much that someone read my piece and saw my struggle for what it was - it was real. Now I see this experience as a way to help someone who may be wrestling with the same thing. I see it as a way to let a friend know how to help a another who is struggling. You better believe that my countdown to Cali will continue on here and while I am there I will document in print all the amazing things that happen. This is a dream come true for me and it will be an experience of a lifetime - I just know it.

saving grace

Coffee may quite possibly be the nectar of the gods...

"Anyone who says they have one life to live must not know how to read a book." ~Author Unknown

Edward and Bella

I wanted my post today to be important. Meaningful. Impactful. Then I realized all I can think about is the novel "Twilight" and I figured I better just go with that...

I had avoided reading the series of vampire books simply due to the fanatics who have been obsessed with it for the past year or so. It's like a movie that people rave about and then you finally see it after all the hype and it is so-so. Totally NOT the case with this. I started the first book Friday and by Sunday night it was done. I could not stop. Stephanie Meyer, the author, is so detailed and descriptive that you can't help but picture life in Forks, Washington and all the people who reside there. Once Bella and Edward meet it is hard to stop and once the sexual tension starts building it becomes impossible. To be completely frank, this book completely turned me on. Really. My husband is currently reaping the benefits of his middle-aged wife getting hot under the collar from reading a teenage vampire love story!

I know many young girls (ages 9-12) that are reading this series and I personally don't think it is really appropriate for that age group. A bit scary, lots of death talk, but more than that I just don't think they will understand it all. The relationship - sexual and emotional. Edward's mood swings. Bella's dark, twisty obsession with becoming a vampire just to be with a god-type guy. Isn't this what we as woman in this day and age are trying to avoid our daughters becoming? My daughter, Lilly, asked me if she could read "Twilight" and I told her she had to be 13, possibly 14. Maybe I should let her read it when she won't understand much, but that feels wrong. All I know is that I can't stop. I started "New Moon" last night and I am counting the down the minutes until I meet back up with my fave new couple, Edward and Bella.

and so it begins...

My virgin post. Can you believe it? I never thought that I would write anything let alone write something for others to view. As I sit here I wonder how to express my thoughts on why I want to do this. First, I think it will be the cheapest therapy - it's free! And with a husband who is recently laid off that is a pretty significant thing. Second, all day, everyday I am contemplating life. What does it all mean? I really want to sit down and share my thoughts with others and I hope to create healthy discussion and a deeper understanding. I certainly don't expect everyone who reads my thoughts to agree, but I do hope I can reach out and help someone in some way. Life these days is so hectic, crazy, COMPLICATED! Hence the blog name and I also happen to be all three of those things rolled into one person. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a woman, a friend, a christian, a teacher, a student - all of those will no doubt be part of this. I want to be sure that through my posts I am respectful of those relationships and don't just use this to voice my frustrations about them. Thank you for reading this and I hope over the coming days and months I hit a chord with you and get you to THINK. It is my belief that we rarely do enough of it in this life.