Friday, June 18, 2010

Reality

(I didn't look back to see if I have blogged on this subject before, but then I decided to just go there again because we all need to think on this one a bit more...I know I do...)

Who are you REALLY? Is the person everyone sees, day in and day out, the person you are? What about the life people see from the outside? Is it really the life you live? I know I am a great pretender. I have been that way my whole life. Until someone really gets to know me I will always say how great things are with me and how great Dan and the kids are... Bottom line - I am a liar. There are some days I just want to kill someone. There are some days I want to run away. There are actually days I wonder what the hell I am doing here! When I see myself faking it I get mad. I get mad because I faked it through about 2 years of my life not that long ago. I was in the darkest place and most people had absolutely no idea. Until my mom heard my talk in California last summer she was clueless. Even my husband, who I told how horrible I felt, was clueless. I was scared that if I admitted how crazy I really felt and some of the things I was really feeling that they would lock me up. They probably would have which may not have been a bad thing.

Last night I began a book study at church. It's all about finding out what your spiritual gifts are. Not what you're good at. Not your skills. What we are searching for are the gifts God bestowed on us when we were made. The first question we were asked by our leader was, "WHO ARE YOU?" All of us stared with this blank look. When you have a room full of women, most of them mothers, that is a loaded question. We are what we do! That is what our lives are based on and really for me to tell you who I am is nearly an impossible task these days. My life, for the most part, does not reflect who I feel I truly am. Don't say, "That's sad!" or "Kendra sure takes her life for granted!" because I don't. I know what I have are all gifts from God - that's why I don't run away on the days I want to! But I do think I sacrifice many of my wants to satisfy the needs of my family and those closest to me. THAT is my reality. I look forward to learning more about myself through this study and maybe be reminded that our plans for our lives aren't always God's plans. I hate that. But just like I have over the years when things didn't go my way, I will look back and know it was all for the best.

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