Friday, July 31, 2009

"Home is not where you live, but where they understand you." ~Christian Morgenstern

Home Is Where the Heart Is

You know how some things are better left alone? You know how some things are better in your head than in reality? That was the majority of my day today! I picked up my Mom and best friend from their hotel and headed down to Hollywood and Highland where the infamous Hollywood Walk of Fame, Kodak Theater, and Grauman's Chinese Theater are located. Seeing these things was something I had to do. I don't know why. Maybe it comes from reading too many smutty publications and feeling like I could be part of their world that made me want to visit. Or perhaps from watching movies that made me think that even prostitutes can find love with a millionaire real estate investor. I really can't say for sure. But as we arrived in this place which was just mobbed with people I literally wanted to run. I no longer had interest in seeing the star's hands and feet. Nor did I care that somehow, by the grace of GOD, Britney Spears earned a star on the Walk of Fame. We met some friends down on Hollywood Blvd. and began the trek to see all the "cool" stuff. I put my hands where Meryl Streep did, hoping a bit of her talent would rub off. We saw Shrek walking along with Elvis, Dora, and Batman. I was almost run over by some street vendor selling skates that attach to your shoes. It was just nuts! We were approached with the opportunity to see a live television show be taped. Be part of the "live studio audience". So we had lunch at Mel's Diner on the way then hiked the fricking mile to the studio. We got there and were informed the taping took four hours. Four HOURS! We of course could not commit that amount of time in the hellish Hollywood place so we left. Next came a curvy, swirvy trip up the famed Mullholland Drive. Very cool with lots of amazing views of the Hollywood sign and the valley below. Finally, we culminated the day with my very favorite part...SHOPPING! Not just any shopping though. Shopping on Rodeo Drive! You may wonder if the homemaker wife of an engineer can afford anything on Rodeo Drive and the answer is yes. I got a beautiful diamond bracelet from Tiffany's just to celebrate my new found success. Did you believe me? Hope not, because all I got was some perfume from a store called Oilily at which the only thing I could afford was the perfume! We did enter Tiffany's and dream a bit. We saw Bentleys, Jaguars, Rolls Royces. We saw people carrying bags and bags of expensive things I cannot even imagine from stores like BCBG, Stuart Weitzman, St. John, Hermes, Gucci, and Yves Saint Laurent - just to name a few. I actually picked out a pair of underwear that was $185 at La Perla. Really? Does anyone need $185 underwaer? NO. And they weren't even all that cute!

For the first time on this trip I missed Toledo. I missed people that said hello when you meet their face. I missed feeling like I could drive a car and talk at the same time. I missed knowing my way around. I missed feeling like I was home, and even though Toledo isn't my first choice, it's home for 3 reasons. Their absence makes this place far from comfortable and far from HOME.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

Yesterday culminated with a most amazing journey. Jess and I spiffed up, showed a little cleavage, and took the drive down to Hollywood. We had reservations at Katsuya. To the mere person this means nothing. Sounds like a regular old sushi joint, right? Ummm....NO! Katsuya was way more than that. We couldn't take the minivan - very unhip. Jess stole the keys to her husband's Audi and off we went. When you go to Katsuya you don't park your own vehicle. I think it may even be a mortal sin to do so, therefore valet was the best option. Paparazzi swirled outside of the front doors; watching each car that drove up intently. When I exited the passenger side they appeared so very disappointed. I still stood with my head tall and proud and ACTED as thought I was the shit and that they better recognize. We entered the restaurant and went to the bar as we were waiting on some friends. We ordered a couple beers and I surveyed the room. In all my life I have never been in a place like that. Never. I don't know for a fact there that everyone there was rich or important, but they all sure acted like it! Katsuya itself is a beautiful place with tons of cool art and tables surrounding a massive sushi bar in the middle. It is THE place for people watching and the food was, dare I say, orgasmic. Jess's friends were wonderful and lots of fun. We didn't see anyone I recognized, but I still had a great time. At first I really felt like I stuck out. Like people knew I didn't fit in. I am not stick-thin. My clothes are simple and not very expensive. As the evening went on I didn't care. I know I am somebody. I know that I am here to be part of something so cool. WAY COOLER than Heidi and Spencer or Kim Kardashian. I know that I will relish in the fact that I do stick out here and that is a good thing.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" ~ Milton Berle

Group Therapy

Last night were the rehearsals for the show. At first, it was quite strange meeting all these women who had simply been names on a computer screen for the last 3 months. We are all ages, coming from very different backgrounds. The cast filed into the Electric Lodge theater at 7pm and took our seats in the audience. The seats are cushioned black folding chairs arranged stadium style on a handmade platform. The entire room is painted black. The "stage" is not a stage, but an extension of the first row as to create a more intimate feel. and that is exactly what it did. Initially, the thought of being so close to the crowd was intimidating, to say the least. Most of the performers have experience in the entertainment industry - I am NOT one of them. We said our hellos, gave scripts to the director, signed waivers, and got the tour of the facility. Once I had heard that I was one of the only ladies having not done something in "the business" I instantly felt tiny. What the hell was I thinking trying to compete with these people? Then we began. The lights dimmed, the music turned up and I decided to stop worrying and just see what happened.

I love when a group of women get together and are honest. Real. I had no idea that last night was the one thing above all others that I needed to feel normal again. My piece is on postpartum depression. I have, in recent years, begun sharing my experience more and more . Through therapy I came to understand that talking and sharing is healing. In every woman's piece last night I saw myself. Every story was different, but they all somehow connected with me. I heard about feminism, colic, sick kids, challenged kids, placentas, having a past, getting frustrated, being sad, staying home, splitting time, accidents, sex, and LOVE. I laughed, I cried. I was so scared that I would not possibly be good enough. I was scared that mine was too serious. Too crazy. I was scared that I had no training, no stage presence. When I walked down for my turn I was so nervous. What if they just did not like me? As I began my monologue I began to calm and just tell my story. It was my story and it was all true and I did it. I shared myself with a room of sixteen people and it was freeing. They laughed with me, they felt my sadness. It was the best night of therapy, and besides the flight, wardrobe, and food money it was completely free! Thursday night will be the dress rehearsal and then Saturday is the day. I am so blessed to be part of this. Touching others, but especially women who maybe have never heard the real shit of motherhood. Maybe there will be a man who thought his wife is the only woman who feels like this. Maybe a single man or woman will see that motherhood is not easy. Maybe someone who never understood their own mom will. Maybe someone will think before they judge a book by its cover. This show needs to go nationwide. Really. We all need to see that moms are gifts from God and that even though moms make mistakes they still need to feel appreciated and need to be able share their stories.

Monday, July 27, 2009

"Troubles are a lot like people - they grow bigger if you nurse them." ~Author Unknown

Worry Schmurray

Got to L.A. I am staying with my friend Jessica from high school who also happens to be a producer for "Expressing Motherhood." We had dinner shortly after my arrival and then we began preparing for bedtime. During the whole preparing process, she pulled out the hideaway bed and accidentally hit her two year old son right in the head. Blood, screaming, and a visit to the E.R. really got the visit off to an interesting start! Jessica's son is fine, but I must say that it made me feel a whole lot more normal knowing I am not the only mom who's kid needs stitches every now and then!

Sort of sad today. The fun of Saturday has finally worn off and I am back to "normal" life. Missing my husband and the kids. Needing sleep, but refusing to stop moving and rest. If I stop, I think. I worry. I STEW. What you may ask do I have to stew about? I am in one of the most beautiful parts of the country, with great people, with an amazing adventure that is continuing as I write. That is the problem. There is nothing. My problem is I worry, I over-analyze, and in the process I drive myself crazy. I was in counseling for a couple years and I logically know that I can change my thoughts. I have the power to do that. For whatever reason though the last two days my thoughts and worries and guilt have consumed me. Tomorrow will be better. It has to be!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

"Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower." ~Hans Christian Anderson

Love Recalled

I don't even know where to begin... I love California. Did you get that??? I LOVE CALIFORNIA. Before I got here for the fourth time in my life I knew I liked it, but like is such an unsderstatement now. It would feel complete if my man and babies were along, but nonetheless it is so amazing here. Totally different from the Midwest. Different attitudes, different climate - actual and social. I haven't felt this free in so long I forgot what it feels like to be free. I love the sun. I love the palm trees. I love the ocean. I love different cultures. I love that I can be whoever I want to here in California...

I found this store called Nordstrom Rack. I have heard of Nordstrom, but not with the Rack following it. Let me tell you, I really thought I had died and gone to fashion heaven. Great clothes, great shoes all for a fraction of the price of regular retail! Wow. My best deal were my two pairs of designer shoes. Boots by Michael Kors that were $415 and I paid $50. Then my Coach sandals that were originally around $300 that I got for $37!!!! It was wonderful. In the total of 2 1/2 days in San Diego I was there - TWICE.

Then last night topped off everything else that had happened up until that point - even the shoes. My cousins that I was staying with had set up with some friends of theirs to celebrate all the Leo birthdays, which includes mine! There was a Hummer limo, liquor galore, a planned music play list, and a dancing at the hottest clubs in San Diego! It was one of the most fun evenings I have had - possibly in my entire life. There were 16 of us two-thirds gay, the rest straight. The group of people that I spent my evening with were some of the most amazing and interesting I have ever encountered! I love to hear the stories of people; what shaped them. Where they have come from or where they have been. I heard so many of those last night and it warmed my heart. Some people are so strong and have guts like you wouldn't believe. Some people live lives that others may not approve of, but they are true to who they are regardless. Some people are the company I kept last night. Most days I live in a bubble. I do my thing and so often lose sight of the world around me. Last night I was reintroduced to the world and made some fabulous new friends. I was reminded of things I already believed to be true, but hadn't really thought about in a while. Thanks to Aaron (aka The Beautiful Geisha with many Memoirs), Daniel, Jordan, Juan (aka North Star, aka Jean Paul), Steve, Sean, Kris, Collin, Anna, Chad, Amy, Heather, Todd, Jay, Todd, and Calvin for reminding me what life is really about.

Friday, July 24, 2009

"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime." ~Mark Twain

Three's Company

So here I am. Blogging from Southern California! I cannot believe that the time has finally come and that my adventure of a lifetime is here! Leaving my babies yesterday was hard, but I have chosen to keep focused on the fact that at least 5 times a day I long to go somewhere and have "me time" and now I am! So, my flights were fine, but my short 1 hour stretch from Detroit to Chicago was most memorable. I walked to my seat and there in the middle seat was a very large, hairy gentleman. I ALWAYS sit by the window. I explained that I needed to get to the window and he asked if I would mind if he just shifted over as opposed to getting out and holding everyone else up. Being polite I said no, and took the middle seat. Which I despise. But then this man, whose name was Charles and who was from North Carolina, continued speaking and I couldn't help but love him! Then along came Jeanine from Dearborn who took the aisle seat and the chatting commenced. We talked about our respective trips and when Jeanine asked if my trip was for business or pleasure I said, "BOTH!" I went on to explain my role in Expressing Motherhood and what I would be dong in California. Then, out of nowhere, Jeanine says, "Do it now! Tell us what you are going to say." I say, "No, but I will give you an outline..." She then says, "C'mon, we want to hear it. It will be good practice!" So with many reservations I started reciting my piece. All along the taxiing process and the take off there I was spouting off my story on postpartum depression to two complete strangers. When I finished they applauded; quietly of course as not to disturb the other passengers. I remembered my whole monologue and it WAS great practice. They laughed in all the right parts and told me how many women they thought would relate to what I went through. I felt like I was in a scene out of some random Steve Martin movie. It was, perhaps, the most amazing way to begin my getaway.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

"Be happy. Be a family. That's it." ~Rose Hunt

Fighting Cancer

Have you ever seen a group of people assemble and work efficiently toward a common goal? I saw one of the best examples EVER this past weekend at "The Rose Run" in my hometown of Petersburg, Michigan. Rose Hunt was one of the most calm, sweet women I can recall meeting in my life. She was one of those people you leave after spending time with them knowing you are better for the experience. It had been more than 15 years since I had seen Rose when I attended her funeral this past January. Rose had lost her hard-fought battle with breast cancer. She was a celebrated woman, and it was a beautiful funeral of memories and love. Soon following her funeral her family began organizing the run and it just exploded from there. There were 180 preregistered and over 100 came the day of the race to join in! At the starting line we all held red balloons in honor of Rose and released them at the gun shot. It was an emotional sight and a good reminder of why we all were there. The volunteers were so happy and helpful. It was truly a celebration of life and a reminder that there are still so many women (and a few men) dealing with this cancer. Watching over 300 people - including volunteers - come together was special, amazing, INSPIRING.

Thanks Jess for bringing this idea to life and encouraging all of us to be a part!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend, but don't break
Somehow I'll get through
Cause I have You

And if I had to crawl well You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all is You
See me through

O Lord, where are you?
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears?
When all have left me
And hope has disappeared
You'll find me here

And when I have to crawl, will You crawl too?
I stumble and I fall,
Carry me through
The wonder of it all is You
See me through

When everything I was is lost
I have forgot, but you have not
When I am lost You have not lost me
When everything I was is lost
I have forgot, but You have not
When I am lost You have not lost me
You have not lost me...

And if I had to crawl well you'd crawl too.
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all is You
See me through.

~ Superchick "Crawl (Carry me through)"

fear not my child

I am just one week away from the adventure of a lifetime. I am really feeling excited about the show and I am spending time getting everything together. The cupboards are full, as is the refrigerator. Certainly no one will go hungry in my absence. I have chosen my wardrobe and the appropriate accessories. My hair is colored and my eyebrows are waxed. Nearly everything is ready...
Everything but me. As days pass, and my departure approaches, the more anxious I become. I feel like no one can really understand how I am feeling. Few mothers leave their children for 3 weeks. The only ones I can think of are mothers in the armed services who leave their children to defend our freedom. My role in a show hardly compares. I feel selfish and guilty. I feel like I am abandoning my kids for my own personal wants. These feelings beg the question: WHY? Why as mothers are we expected to forget ourselves? Why can we not feel personal fulfillment separate from making wholesome meals for our families and perfectly folding load upon load of laundry? This internal strife I am experiencing is hard. I am not sleeping well and I am frustrated. Not good things to occur before you leave your loved ones! I want them to miss me not thank God the minute I get on that plane!
My plan is to pray. This is my only medication currently for these anxious feelings. I pray when I get feelings of wanting to control. I pray when the frustrations well up inside and I feel I might explode. I pray when I can't sleep. I pray that there will be a purpose to my leaving for this length of time - that I may touch another life with my story. I pray that I am not making a mistake. And you know, when I listen really hard, and all is quiet; I hear it. That voice that has come to me in all my times of trouble and it calms me. His voice. He tells me it will be okay and that fear is real, but unnecessary. He will see me through.

Friday, July 10, 2009

"Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that." ~Michael Leunig

bear with me for a moment

Revolutionary Road. Saw the previews. Thought I knew what it was about. I had no idea. I knew I would relate to it, but to the degree - I was completely unaware. For those of you that saw it I will leave the parts I relate to up to your imaginations. Be nice now...

Marriage is hard. When one looks back on the way most relationships begin it is this fairy tale thing. Games of "20 Questions" followed by heated acts of sex make it all so dreamy and fun. For many of us at some point those games cease to exist. Why? Why do we stop? Why do we let life cloud what made us so deeply want and eventually love this other person in the first place? I never thought marriage would always be perfect, but I never knew how much work two people have to put into it! My parents fought and drove each other crazy; they still do. At the end of the day though it is their mutual respect for one another and genuine friendship that kept and keeps them together. I never want to stay married out of obligation. I never want to hate the person I am married to. A few years ago my marriage was dangerously close to ending. So close that it makes me sick now to even conceive of it. I forgot what was really important - and so did he. That is what I saw tonight. A reminder of what I don't want to become and thoughts of what I need to do to make sure that doesn't happen.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

There's more to than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line.
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.
~Indigo Girls, "Closer to Fine"

It's about friggin' time

I am nearly 33. One would think that by this age a woman - OK, ME - would know who she was. What she wanted. What she knows to be true. I really feel that the older I get and the more I know, the less I know ME sometimes! There are times I know who I am. There are times I know what I believe. Most other times I have no idea. Or, I kind of know. How do you go through 33 years with few to no absolutes?? Absolutes scare me. Being black and white on everything does not come naturally to me. Mostly I see both sides of things which leaves me dangerously in the middle. Able to be swayed. There are things I believe to be true. Such as, we shouldn't judge others. People will love who they will. God is here. There are things I believe to be wrong. War, hate, "tolerance". I hate that word. Oh, wait, hate is wrong! See what I mean! The word "tolerance" to me is a horrible word. I prefer "acceptance". Why should we just tolerate someone or something? Why can't we just accept that people are different and that's OK? You don't have to like it, but you have to accept it. My beliefs...maybe not yours.

I was sharing some thoughts yesterday with a friend of mine on a situation she is currently in. I told her we are both similar in that we morph. When we are with certain people we act a certain way. We wear a mask of sorts and no one, or very few people really know who we are at all. My monologue for "Expressing Motherhood" is on postpartum depression. It is interesting how many people have commented when I share my topic with them, "I didn't know you were depressed. You hid it very well." To me that is not good. I don't believe that wearing masks helps anyone, especially me. Over the years of being a certain way for people it's easy to lose oneself - OK, MYSELF - and have no one who really gets me! I really think this is why I most times don't feel I know myself very well or always know what I believe. My goal for the 33rd year of life that I have coming up is to find me. Find out what I believe and why I believe it.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." ~Robert Anderson
"Bring the past only if you are going to build from it." ~Domenico Cieri Estrada

My man. How blessed I am. And he's cute too...

Slackin'




It has been longer than I care to admit since my last post. I could make excuses as to why I have left you hanging out there to dry - all nine followers of mine. For the last seven days I have been consumed first by my 15 year high school reunion. Oh my. That just sounds crazy. Worse though is how crazy I was preparing for the event. I needed to look GOOD. That is tougher than I thought considering I have gained 30 pounds since 1994 and I believe it's all in my ass... It wasn't like there was anyone in particular to look good for, but it is just the principle of the thing. It ended up being a blast and except for a few people - annoying - that were actually skinnier, we all had packed on a few pounds. Looking forward to the 20th. Following the reunion I have been consumed by feelings of frustration brought on by my dear husband. We have been together 15 years but believe it or not we still get on each other's nerves. I find that when we haven't had much time together the worse we are to one another. It sounds nuts, I know! There are all kinds of stresses right now contributing to the tension between us, but how can I look beyond that and just love him? I want to ignore those little stressful moments that mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. I want him to know that I only want him. I have seen the green grass on the other side and although it may be nice for a bit it still gets smashed down and you feel the ground... I will stay on the grass I chose...

15 years since graduation and 15 years since I met the man I married. So much has changed. I have grown and morphed into a woman, a wife, a MOTHER. I have experienced loss, success, love, hate, pain, guilt, pleasure. God-willing I am only half way (maybe less!) through this life and I cannot even imagine what the next 32 years will hold for me. Looking back as I have over the last week has made me grateful for what I have and lucky for the things I have gone through. Hard? Yes. But totally worth it.