I am nearly 33. One would think that by this age a woman - OK, ME - would know who she was. What she wanted. What she knows to be true. I really feel that the older I get and the more I know, the less I know ME sometimes! There are times I know who I am. There are times I know what I believe. Most other times I have no idea. Or, I kind of know. How do you go through 33 years with few to no absolutes?? Absolutes scare me. Being black and white on everything does not come naturally to me. Mostly I see both sides of things which leaves me dangerously in the middle. Able to be swayed. There are things I believe to be true. Such as, we shouldn't judge others. People will love who they will. God is here. There are things I believe to be wrong. War, hate, "tolerance". I hate that word. Oh, wait, hate is wrong! See what I mean! The word "tolerance" to me is a horrible word. I prefer "acceptance". Why should we just tolerate someone or something? Why can't we just accept that people are different and that's OK? You don't have to like it, but you have to accept it. My beliefs...maybe not yours.
I was sharing some thoughts yesterday with a friend of mine on a situation she is currently in. I told her we are both similar in that we morph. When we are with certain people we act a certain way. We wear a mask of sorts and no one, or very few people really know who we are at all. My monologue for "Expressing Motherhood" is on postpartum depression. It is interesting how many people have commented when I share my topic with them, "I didn't know you were depressed. You hid it very well." To me that is not good. I don't believe that wearing masks helps anyone, especially me. Over the years of being a certain way for people it's easy to lose oneself - OK, MYSELF - and have no one who really gets me! I really think this is why I most times don't feel I know myself very well or always know what I believe. My goal for the 33rd year of life that I have coming up is to find me. Find out what I believe and why I believe it.
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I totally feel you!! Ask far as the comment, "You masked it very well.". I disagree that is a bad thing. Have suffered from deppression for years masking is almost neccessary in order to function and get through the day. What is important is knowing where and with whom to let your mask down. So in that case I think the mask wearing is acceptable.
ReplyDeleteI personally think that not everyone is ready to deal with someone that is depressed and the comments and reactions that uneducated people can give does not help. Things like, "What is wrong with you?!? You should be happy!!...etc. just add fuel to the fire. At least for me it did.
I think that everyone "morphs" depending on who they are with it is only natural. There are some people that you connect with for certain reasons. The key is not to morph your "core" values...thus becoming a TOTALLY different person. Just my 20 cents =)
Hey you. In retrospect, I now know that I too was depressed. Finally getting out and doing something for me (work primarily, demanding from B that I had to take time for me, etc) was the turning point. When I was in it, I didn't really know so I'm not so sure others would have really recognized it either. I think a few people did but no one really knew. I was in full on "put your head down, blinders on and get through it" mode and didn't come up for air until El was 5. I don't regret staying home but I now know this is what I need. I wish you success in finding the real you. No apologies, only happiness. Its a nice feeling not to have to fake it.
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