I have been home nearly one week. It is still crazy to me that I was gone for three weeks. It is even crazier that it all feels like a dream. I know it happened, but being back here, it feels like nothing different occurred. I am back to my laundry basket being full in the family room, waiting for me to fold. I am back to dirty bathrooms. Making beds. Feeding the cat. Scooping poo. Wiping butts. Cooking meals. Grocery shopping. Vacuuming. I am back to having my day pretty much planned for me.
What makes all these mundane tasks worth doing? Kisses, hugs, and I love yous. My husband telling me how much he missed me. I wasn't sure what coming home would feel like. Frankly, I liked doing whatever I wanted. Selfishness is like a disease, and much longer out in LA LA Land, and it would have completely taken me over. While I was there I missed here. I knew though that my time was limited, and as the days flew by I jammed as much as I possibly could into the minutes as they rushed by. I want to be here. I know this is where I belong. Within me is this pull though because really, I could live 100 lifetimes and still not do or accomplish all that I feel I am meant to. The dilemma is how do you choose what to be in your lifetime? I am a wife and mom. Those for me are my most important roles at this point. Will the roles change? Will my focus change? Do I have to give up other things to do these two things really well? Why do I have to give up anything? I know the answer, but it isn't easy. I want what I want with my husband and kids by my side. But what about them? What do they want? Too many questions, not enough answers.
It is amazing and scary how easily I fell back into my life here. How can we all have what we want and all be happy?
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I think we CAN have all we want...HOW EVER..we can not have it ALL AT ONCE.
ReplyDeleteThe best way, I find, to not overwhelm myself with all of this, is to live my day, my life, as it is, RIGHT NOW. Because it can change. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next year, or maybe in 40 years.
But this is hard. And I don't do it too well. I always have this feeling like I missed a calling...that I am on the wrong path.
It is the trying to focus on the path that I am on and live it to its fullest...thanking God daily for the blessings I have...and remembering that God has me exactly where I need to be...that keep me going.
I hope our paths cross again...